He says, she says…

I love this article from Manila and Bulletin.  It is from the column writtern by  Chico and Delamar.  I can really relate kasi my boyfriend currently has a friend na ang tigas… Tigas ng mukha…  The only difference is that they dont have any endearments, pero the rest is the same.  Anyway, i just want to share this.  And to you Tina, a little respect wont hurt.  Try mo lang maging sensitive to other people’s feeling.

 

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… I’m Marnelli, 25 yrs. old and an avid reader of your column in the Manila Bulletin. This is not the first time that I attempted to write to you guys. The first one was when I was depressed when my first relationship failed. I really didn’t know what to do or how to handle that thing because it was the “first” but then I realized that life is really like that. If we’re not meant to be then we’re not. After almost a year without a steady relationship I bumped into an acquaintance at a mall. We had met through a common friend a long time ago, and on this meeting we had a little conversation and he got my number. We began texting each other until we fell in love, despite many of my friends protesting because of his reputation as a playboy. In the beginning everything ran smoothly. I woke up every morning feeling that I’m already complete with my newfound love. There were a few disappointments during the first month or so, and we kept our love alive by resolving every problem that came our way. There is one thing that bothers me though. One of his close female friends—whom he calls “Mahal”—is one person I find hard to stomach. I’m not really bothered with him using that term of endearment. I’m bothered by the actions of the girl. She would text my boyfriend to wait for her so that they could go home together or ask many favors from my boyfriend and get mad if my boyfriend doesn’t give her what she wants. My instinct tells me that she likes my boyfriend, or worse, loves him. Am I being insecure or paranoid? I’m just thinking that if I’m the friend of my boyfriend I would keep my distance from him because I will think of the way his girlfriend would feel. Am I right or wrong? My other problem is, will I confront the girl about it or will I just trust my boyfriend and stop thinking about this problem? -MARNELLI- CHICO SAYS…This friend of your boyfriend’s smells like trouble to me. It’s a delicate balance between the rights of the friends who were there before you and your right as the new girlfriend. Technically, you should be the one to call the shots since you ought to be the priority of your boyfriend over everyone else (keyword: ought). That’s why there are such songs as, “Those Wedding Bells are Breaking up that Old Gang of Mine” because the expectation is, the friends give way to the new wife because she will now take up most of his time, as it should be, as most would concede. On the other hand, old friends should still have some say, somehow, since they were there from way before the girlfriend came along. And as many would attest, girlfriends come and go, but friends are there for the long haul. So how to strike the balance between the two? I can only answer based on my experience as I was on both sides of the fence. Whenever female barkadas get themselves a new boyfriend, I concede many of the rights I felt I had when she was single and beholden to no one. So if I know that the boyfriend is uncomfortable with me hugging or being touchyfeely with his girlfriend (no matter how innocent the contact is, and no matter that we were doing that way before they even met), out of respect for my friend and her new man, I place some distance between us to give the budding relationship room to grow, unobstructed, and a fighting chance to last as it will. Of course I still reserve the right to invite her out every couple of months with our other friends, and to playfully chide her for being “absent” in many group gimmicks, but I also have to welcome the new boyfriend in case he wants to tag along. This is what your boyfriend’s friend should have done. She should have conceded many of the things they used to do out of respect for you. If it bothers you, even if they’re not doing anything wrong, she should at least respect how you feel as the girlfriend. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend. Let him know how you feel about this particular friend. If he defends her by saying she’s just a good friend, tell him you know, but that it still bothers you so. The ideal situation for a man is for all his loved ones to co-exist peacefully with one another. But sometimes, a man has to choose if this is not possible. If he agrees with you that it is improper for him to still be very close with a female friend because it shows disrespect for you, then he should be able to lay down the law with his friend. But if he feels that you are being paranoid and possessive, then he will choose to keep his friendship with her even if it means letting you go. And there will be no right and wrong choice here because it only shows his priorities and he has every right to choose one over the other. Let him know how you feel, and trust me, directly or indirectly, through words or through actions, in your favor or not, he will reveal to you just how much he loves you and exactly where you stand in his life. If you ask a question, just be prepared for whatever the answer may be. DELAMAR SAYS…Are you sure they are just friends? If you are not, then ask him. I think that needs to be clarified. If you are sure that they are just friends and you’re just annoyed by how freely the friend demands of your boyfriend then my advice is this: I would talk to my boyfriend if I were you. Look, you have a relationship and an understanding with him, not the friend. It is he who is supposed to put the distance between him and his female friend. That should be his call. You can’t ask the girl to stay away from your boyfriend because let’s face it, you are nothing to each other. You’re not even friends really. If it is someone’s behavior you have some sort of claim on it is your boyfriend not the girl. He should put some distance so as to protect the relationship. The action must come from him. So, have a talk. Tell him you’re not comfortable with how she treats you and how much he does for her. Tell him that you don’t feel it’s right that he addresses another girl “mahal” and that this girl calls him that when he already has a grlfriend. I mean, hello? How would he feel if some other guy called you “babe”? Tell him that there are things that have to change now that you are the girlfriend. Some of the perks she enjoyed before have to stop because you’re already there in his life. In other words, new boundaries need to be set now that he has a commitment and relationship with you. It is important that you tell your boyfriend how you feel and be completely honest with him. Of course, the way you bring this up with him should take into consideration the timing and the mood you guys are in. Obviously if you are already fighting, bringing up the issue might make it worse. So choose a proper time and place to talk about it. Tell him just how you feel. And then listen to what he has to say too. The bottom line is that I think you have a right to feel encroached on by his friendship. Whether or not the friend was a girl is immaterial, I think. Even if it were a male friend and he were just as demanding of his time I think you’d feel the same because the boundaries are not drawn. There are things that change when our friends have relationships. We have to give space that now the priority is the boyfriend or the girlfriend. We acknowledge that our friend’s time and attention will prioritize the new relationship. We make necessary adjustments to accommodate the newfound commitment and that’s just how it is between friends. But, it should be the friends who talk about that, not the girlfriend or boyfriend. Boundaries have to be set by the person in between, in this case your boyfriend. So, talk to him about how you feel. Listen to what he has to say about it and then give him the chance to address the situation. The hope is that he will see what he needs to do to be able to make you happy without losing any of his friends.

The moving on letter – by weetah

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

  It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for an exam tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from studying and I start thinking about you.

 And it always left me a touch of sadness.

 As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation. There’s a lot of homework to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, television, radio. There’s even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my room with school books before me, there is forgetting.

 Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of holding hands, afternoon walks, lunch outs, text messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

  I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘Forever is not real’.

 I have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

 I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay.

 Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

 You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether.

 And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

 So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

 Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well.

 The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it.

 Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

 Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A rough road leads to the stars.

  I’m on my way to becoming stellar.

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