He says, she says…

I love this article from Manila and Bulletin.  It is from the column writtern by  Chico and Delamar.  I can really relate kasi my boyfriend currently has a friend na ang tigas… Tigas ng mukha…  The only difference is that they dont have any endearments, pero the rest is the same.  Anyway, i just want to share this.  And to you Tina, a little respect wont hurt.  Try mo lang maging sensitive to other people’s feeling.

 

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… I’m Marnelli, 25 yrs. old and an avid reader of your column in the Manila Bulletin. This is not the first time that I attempted to write to you guys. The first one was when I was depressed when my first relationship failed. I really didn’t know what to do or how to handle that thing because it was the “first” but then I realized that life is really like that. If we’re not meant to be then we’re not. After almost a year without a steady relationship I bumped into an acquaintance at a mall. We had met through a common friend a long time ago, and on this meeting we had a little conversation and he got my number. We began texting each other until we fell in love, despite many of my friends protesting because of his reputation as a playboy. In the beginning everything ran smoothly. I woke up every morning feeling that I’m already complete with my newfound love. There were a few disappointments during the first month or so, and we kept our love alive by resolving every problem that came our way. There is one thing that bothers me though. One of his close female friends—whom he calls “Mahal”—is one person I find hard to stomach. I’m not really bothered with him using that term of endearment. I’m bothered by the actions of the girl. She would text my boyfriend to wait for her so that they could go home together or ask many favors from my boyfriend and get mad if my boyfriend doesn’t give her what she wants. My instinct tells me that she likes my boyfriend, or worse, loves him. Am I being insecure or paranoid? I’m just thinking that if I’m the friend of my boyfriend I would keep my distance from him because I will think of the way his girlfriend would feel. Am I right or wrong? My other problem is, will I confront the girl about it or will I just trust my boyfriend and stop thinking about this problem? -MARNELLI- CHICO SAYS…This friend of your boyfriend’s smells like trouble to me. It’s a delicate balance between the rights of the friends who were there before you and your right as the new girlfriend. Technically, you should be the one to call the shots since you ought to be the priority of your boyfriend over everyone else (keyword: ought). That’s why there are such songs as, “Those Wedding Bells are Breaking up that Old Gang of Mine” because the expectation is, the friends give way to the new wife because she will now take up most of his time, as it should be, as most would concede. On the other hand, old friends should still have some say, somehow, since they were there from way before the girlfriend came along. And as many would attest, girlfriends come and go, but friends are there for the long haul. So how to strike the balance between the two? I can only answer based on my experience as I was on both sides of the fence. Whenever female barkadas get themselves a new boyfriend, I concede many of the rights I felt I had when she was single and beholden to no one. So if I know that the boyfriend is uncomfortable with me hugging or being touchyfeely with his girlfriend (no matter how innocent the contact is, and no matter that we were doing that way before they even met), out of respect for my friend and her new man, I place some distance between us to give the budding relationship room to grow, unobstructed, and a fighting chance to last as it will. Of course I still reserve the right to invite her out every couple of months with our other friends, and to playfully chide her for being “absent” in many group gimmicks, but I also have to welcome the new boyfriend in case he wants to tag along. This is what your boyfriend’s friend should have done. She should have conceded many of the things they used to do out of respect for you. If it bothers you, even if they’re not doing anything wrong, she should at least respect how you feel as the girlfriend. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend. Let him know how you feel about this particular friend. If he defends her by saying she’s just a good friend, tell him you know, but that it still bothers you so. The ideal situation for a man is for all his loved ones to co-exist peacefully with one another. But sometimes, a man has to choose if this is not possible. If he agrees with you that it is improper for him to still be very close with a female friend because it shows disrespect for you, then he should be able to lay down the law with his friend. But if he feels that you are being paranoid and possessive, then he will choose to keep his friendship with her even if it means letting you go. And there will be no right and wrong choice here because it only shows his priorities and he has every right to choose one over the other. Let him know how you feel, and trust me, directly or indirectly, through words or through actions, in your favor or not, he will reveal to you just how much he loves you and exactly where you stand in his life. If you ask a question, just be prepared for whatever the answer may be. DELAMAR SAYS…Are you sure they are just friends? If you are not, then ask him. I think that needs to be clarified. If you are sure that they are just friends and you’re just annoyed by how freely the friend demands of your boyfriend then my advice is this: I would talk to my boyfriend if I were you. Look, you have a relationship and an understanding with him, not the friend. It is he who is supposed to put the distance between him and his female friend. That should be his call. You can’t ask the girl to stay away from your boyfriend because let’s face it, you are nothing to each other. You’re not even friends really. If it is someone’s behavior you have some sort of claim on it is your boyfriend not the girl. He should put some distance so as to protect the relationship. The action must come from him. So, have a talk. Tell him you’re not comfortable with how she treats you and how much he does for her. Tell him that you don’t feel it’s right that he addresses another girl “mahal” and that this girl calls him that when he already has a grlfriend. I mean, hello? How would he feel if some other guy called you “babe”? Tell him that there are things that have to change now that you are the girlfriend. Some of the perks she enjoyed before have to stop because you’re already there in his life. In other words, new boundaries need to be set now that he has a commitment and relationship with you. It is important that you tell your boyfriend how you feel and be completely honest with him. Of course, the way you bring this up with him should take into consideration the timing and the mood you guys are in. Obviously if you are already fighting, bringing up the issue might make it worse. So choose a proper time and place to talk about it. Tell him just how you feel. And then listen to what he has to say too. The bottom line is that I think you have a right to feel encroached on by his friendship. Whether or not the friend was a girl is immaterial, I think. Even if it were a male friend and he were just as demanding of his time I think you’d feel the same because the boundaries are not drawn. There are things that change when our friends have relationships. We have to give space that now the priority is the boyfriend or the girlfriend. We acknowledge that our friend’s time and attention will prioritize the new relationship. We make necessary adjustments to accommodate the newfound commitment and that’s just how it is between friends. But, it should be the friends who talk about that, not the girlfriend or boyfriend. Boundaries have to be set by the person in between, in this case your boyfriend. So, talk to him about how you feel. Listen to what he has to say about it and then give him the chance to address the situation. The hope is that he will see what he needs to do to be able to make you happy without losing any of his friends.

Losing the Romance

This is such a beautiful story.  Enjoy reading…

My husband is an Accountant by profession, I love him for his steady nature,and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

 

Three years of courtship and now, four years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

 

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a
relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

 

“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

 

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?

 

And finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?” Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

 

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?”

 

He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

 

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….

My dear,

 

“I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..”

This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

 

“When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to saved my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

 

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

 

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

 

You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

 

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by
infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

 

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face…

 

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die..

 

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading…

 

“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk…

 

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread….

 

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…

 

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of
excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

 

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.

 

Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments…

Forget about me

You said, it wasn’t gonna be like it was before.
Then it happened again.
Pushing me back out the door.
Thought it would be for real this time.
Love me, made forget about the signs.
So now what do i do?
Now that I know that we’re through.Wish that I could move on
Can’t let go, it’s too strong
Just like that and then you’re gone
Is this how you want it to be?
Everything you had to say
Sent the tears right down my face
Now I’m trying to escape
The misery

Why don’t you love me?
The way I loved you
It feels so crazy
‘Coz I don’t know what I did to you
If you’re gonna hurt me
Then do it quickly
‘Coz I’m tired of cryin’
If you don’t wanna stick around
Then, baby forget about me.

Too late, sorry.
I didn’t even had the chance
You said you were happy
Baby, I don’t understand
Gave you everything you asked for
And was ready to give you a lot more
I would’ve given you the world
Right in the palm of your hand.

Boy, my heart was true
And that you can’t deny
Boy, don’t be a fool
And walk away from all the lies
It’s up to you
‘Coz heaven knows I’ve tried
Tell me you’re still in love.

Forget about me
I really love you.

 

 

The moving on letter – by weetah

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

  It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for an exam tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from studying and I start thinking about you.

 And it always left me a touch of sadness.

 As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation. There’s a lot of homework to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, television, radio. There’s even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my room with school books before me, there is forgetting.

 Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of holding hands, afternoon walks, lunch outs, text messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

  I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘Forever is not real’.

 I have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

 I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay.

 Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

 You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether.

 And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

 So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

 Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well.

 The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it.

 Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

 Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A rough road leads to the stars.

  I’m on my way to becoming stellar.

How to fight with your wife and stay married. ^_^

“He who lives without quarreling is a bachelor.” —St. Jerome

You should see a videotape of your last fight. No, not the one you had with that loudmouth at the Giants game. I’m talking about the argument with your wife.
Do you have any idea what you looked like? I do. I recently spent 3 days with some marriage experts, watching couples fight. The arguments were all on tape, so I didn’t have to duck any glassware being hurled across the kitchen, but the participants were real couples having real fights. And one thing became very clear: Fighting is a waste of time. Nobody wins. Everyone looks pathetic.

Every marriage has its disagreements, and we all argue about the same handful of issues (mostly money and kids, followed by housework, sex, in-laws, jobs, and time). That doesn’t matter. What matters is how you argue. And if the pattern is destructive, it will surely kill a marriage. Bad feelings will crowd out good feelings, until each partner feels like this: An opportunity to be with you is a chance to be hassled instead of loved and supported. That’s the tipping point, when things turn sour.

Ninety-three percent of couples who fight dirty will be divorced in 10 years. This statistic comes from therapists who have investigated the causes of marital distress and failure. They videotape couples fighting; then they call these couples years later to see what happened. And what happened is shockingly predictable.

Two marital therapists who’ve conducted this sort of research at the University of Denver are Howard Markman and Scott Stanley. They now teach couples—both newlyweds and folks who’ve been married for years—how to fight better, how to clear the air without clearing the room. And they’ve been remarkably successful. Five years after participating in one of Markman and Stanley’s courses, couples are twice as likely to still be together compared with couples who didn’t take the course.

But you don’t have to attend one of Markman and Stanley’s workshops—or even read their book, Fighting for Your Marriage—to improve your relationship. Just start practicing these five strategies for keeping your arguments under control.

1. Stay Off the Escalator
The first sign of destructive fighting is what Markman and Stanley call escalation. The idea is simple: Even though you and your wife may start out arguing about something small, inevitably tempers flare, voices get louder, and that “little thing” disappears in an exchange of big threats.

To avoid such encounters, Markman and Stanley suggest a technique called “active listening,” in which partners take turns talking and paraphrasing what the other is telling them (”What I hear you saying is . . .”). Yes, you’ll feel dorky and self-conscious when you do this, but in a way that’s the point. Active listening slows you down, makes you listen to what the other person is really saying, and stops you from blasting away with both barrels.

Okay, so what if you’re willing to stay on fighting’s first floor, but your wife is the one constantly hopping on the escalator? Don’t tell her to calm down. That just makes you come off as patronizing, which fuels her anger. Instead, you make the effort to calm down. Keep your expression serious and say something like, “How about if I just listen to you for a few minutes, and you can tell me what you’re thinking.”

2. Be Her Mirror
Another sign that you’re fighting ugly is invalidation. This occurs when you move beyond arguing about issues and start committing character assassination and name-calling. You know, the really fun stuff.

Lay off these tricks yourself. And if your wife slings one of those personal assaults your way, call her bluff. She’s saying horrible things, but she doesn’t really mean any of it. (If she did, she’d be gone by now.) Stanley suggests a very successful tactic that works in just about any contentious situation. “When someone’s on the attack, paraphrase them. Gently reflect what she’s saying so she can hear it.” You could say, “Let me get this right. You think I’ve never really cared about you at all?”

Just be sure to sound sincere, not sarcastic. If you can do this, it’s like holding up a mirror, which is gentler, and far more effective than saying, “Look in the mirror, bitch.”

3. Don’t Dis Her Memory
Often, in the heat of an argument, the first thing that each partner will try to invalidate is the other’s memory. If it turns into a who-remembers-it-better shouting match and she says, “Oh, no, you said blah-blah,” don’t respond in kind. You’ll only imply that her memory is more defective than yours (which it may be, but . . . ). Instead, say this: “I’m not sure what I said. What I meant was. . . .”

The point: It doesn’t really matter who remembers it better. “Bring it into the present,” says Markman. “And stop arguing about what was said or not said.”

4. Don’t Let Her Read Your Mind
If she claims you were secretly hoping her mother wouldn’t stay all weekend, you could say, flat out, “Don’t read my mind.” But that’s risky. “You’re labeling her behavior, and that could be dynamite,” says Stanley. Instead, try this: “That’s not what I was thinking. Can I please just tell you what I was thinking?”

You? Thinking? The shock might be so great that your wife will drop her fighting gloves immediately.

5. Don’t Put a Sock in It
Markman and Stanley’s third fighting danger sign, withdrawal, involves a clear and documented difference between the genders. Women value any interaction in a relationship, even if it’s negative. Men tend to value instrumental, problem-solving interactions, and we shut down when the volume goes up. Our physical response to the stress of yet another argument is the classic fight-or-flight reaction, and most men take flight. Especially if she’s the verbally skilled one in the marriage—and most women have been a step ahead of us verbally since preschool.

All this leads to a lethal dynamic: She brings up a problem; you don’t want to talk about it. She gets angry; you fear more conflict and close up tighter. She interprets that to mean you’re detaching from the marriage. For the past 25 years, this scenario has been noted by marriage experts for its reliability in predicting marital instability and divorce.

“The biggest mistake women make is getting angry at us,” says Markman. It fails to solve the conflict and succeeds only in eroding the entire marriage. Here’s what you can do about it. The next time you withdraw and she starts yelling about your pushing her away, say something like, “I don’t want to shut you out. But I hate to fight with you.” The exact words are unimportant. Just make her realize that you’re not pulling away from her (the standard rap on men). You’re just avoiding conflict. The first time you say this will be such a paradigm shift in your marriage, she’ll be more affected by your change than the wording of it. In fact, your wife may be so stunned that the fight will stop right there. Make-up sex, anyone? 

Partners and Marriage

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo de Manila where he had Father Ferriols as a professor. Father Ferriols, at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo. Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind-opening and enriching classes but is also notorious for the grades he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades…)

Come grade-giving time, Father Ferriols had a long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+, which the student eventually received.

Read the article below to find out why.

“Partners and Marriage”
by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn’t want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn’t fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each others. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual tolerance of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each others’ foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.

How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other’s habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other’s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other’s company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see the relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn’t become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us everyday. To us, they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.

Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.

There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom… endlessly.  

Favorite quotes

Things don’t have to be extraordinary to be beautiful, Even the ordinary can be beautiful. – Matthew from Wicker park

When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn’t. – Matthew from Wicker park

Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you’d never see yourself do. But there you are doing them… can’t help – Alex from Wicker park

Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying

Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Meredith Grey: Intimacy is a four syllable word for, “Here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.” It’s both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R’s… relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can’t escape. And other things you just don’t want to know.

Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.

Meredith: [narrating] We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are not better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths.

Meredith: I don’t want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you, but I’m trying here so I don’t want you to date anybody but me. That’s it. Except, I’m scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don’t want to lose you.

 

Meredith: [narrating] Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget

Meredith: Okay, that was a mean thing to say. I’m aware of that because I’m generally not a mean person. But I’m a person who just doesn’t want to know you. And you are a person who is making that very difficult. So please, just stop making it so difficult for me not know you. Okay?

PRESTON: “I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I’m a heart man. Take ‘em apart, put ‘em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you… me.”

IZZIE: [to George] “I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. Because I’m your best friend, because I love you, if what you want is to be with Callie then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your marriage work. But because I’m your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say… that I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you. I can’t promise a future, I can’t promise perfection, because we’re us, I’m me and you’re you. no one knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I’m in love with you George. And I hope you’re in love with me too.”

IRIS:
Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you. 

 

~ I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you, and it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.~

 

“you know the place between you know you’re asleep and awake? the time when you can still remember what you were dreaming? that’s where i will always love you.” –tinkerbell from the movie, hook.

Growing with someone… :)

I would just like to share this e-mail i received from an officemate, about growing with someone, love is in the air na ulit kasi, well at least for me it is… ;D

Growing with someone

Keep this in mind. This is for all: the recently married, the ones who have

been married, the soon get married, and the ones who are still

looking…………

Years ago, I asked God to give me a, spouse…………, ”You don’t own

because you didn’t ask” God said. Not only I asked for a spouse but also

explained what kind of spouse I wanted. I want a nice, tender, forgiving,

passionate, honest, peacef,ul, generous, understanding, pleasant, wa,rm,

intelligent, humorous, attentive, compassionate and truthful. I even

mentioned the physical characteristics I dreamt about. As time went by I

added the required list of my wanted spouse.

One night, in my prayer, God talked to my heart: ”My servant, I cannot give

you what you want? I asked God why? God said ”Because I am God and I am

fair.

God is the truth and all I do are true and right”

I asked ”God, I don’t understand why I cannot have what I ask from you?

“God answered, ”I will explain. It is not fair and right for Me to fulfill

your demand because I cannot give something that is not your own self.

It is not fair to give someone who is full of love to you if sometimes you

are still hostile, or to give you someone generous but sometimes you can be

cruel; or someone forgiving, however, you still hide revenge; someone

understanding, however, you are very insensitive….

“He then said to me: ”It is better for Me to give you someone who I know

could grow to have all qualities you are searching rather than to make

you waste your time to find someone who already have the qualities you

want.”

Your spouse would be bone from your bone and flesh from your flesh and you

will see yourself in her and both of you will be one. Marriage is like a

school. It is a life-long an education. It is where you and your partner

make adjustment and aim not merely to please each other, but to be better

human beings and to make a solid teamwork. I do not give you a perfect

partner, because you are not perfect either. I give you a partner with whom

you would grow together.

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